


Take My Whole Life Too

by Carmenlire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e15 To the Night Children, Self-Harm, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 01:49:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18305729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: Alec sits at Magnus’s side. The only sound in the room is the steady beat of Magnus’s pulse over the monitor.Everything’s dull, distorted. It doesn’t seem real.Or, Alec watches over Magnus.





	Take My Whole Life Too

**Author's Note:**

> This contains explicit spoilers for 3x16.

Alec sits at Magnus’s side. The only sound in the room is the steady beat of Magnus’s pulse over the monitor.

Everything’s dull, distorted. It doesn’t seem real.

 _It doesn’t seem real_.

He looks so small in the hospital bed, so fragile. As Alec studies his boyfriend, a well of feeling rises in him, drowning everything out but the man in front of him.

As sure as he knows his name, Alec has no doubt that if Magnus dies-- if he can’t find his way back-- it might as well be Alec in that goddamn hospital bed.

The truth is, he already feels half-dead.

Breaking the silence, Alec whispers, “Magnus, I-- I don’t know if you can hear me.”

Everything in him wants to break, wants to shout and yell and bring hellfire down on whoever’s responsible for this.

Even if it’s him.

Breath shuddering out, Alec grits out, “But this is my fault.” Swallowing hard, he continues, “I was selfish. When you first lost your powers and you said you were okay with it, I didn’t think twice. I guess-- I was just so happy that maybe we could grow old together.”

Alec’s voice grows thick with emotion but he doesn’t clear his throat. Magnus deserves everything-- his apologies, his emotion, the full depth of the love that feels like it’s flaying him alive with every fucking minute that his boyfriend doesn't wake up.

He smiles a little as he admits the potency of his selfishness. He knows that it doesn’t say anything good about him but Alec promised himself a long time ago that he would always be honest with Magnus, no matter the cost and he can’t deny that a stupid, naive part of him was _glad_ that Magnus was no longer immortal.

Alec’s entire life-- until very recently-- had been about following the rules. No matter that he’s fallen head over heels for a warlock, Alec was still a shadowhunter and at the end of the day, it did seem idyllic.

The two of them growing old together, living their own version of forever.

Now, though, Alec regrets ever wishing for something so goddamn blasphemous. Magnus’s speech last night had been devastating in its rawness. Alec couldn’t pretend to understand but he could see-- Jesus Christ he could _hear_ \-- the anguish in Magnus’s voice as he admitted that he didn’t feel like he mattered without his magic.

It was heresy to Alec. Magnus was worth everything, magic or no. He was the man of Alec’s dreams and he wishes now that he could’ve told Magnus that, that he could have looked past his own selfish motives and seen how the magic loss was destroying Magnus from the inside out.

He wishes that it was him instead. Alec isn’t quite conscious of it but soon pain clears the fog a little.

Still. He doesn’t look down, doesn’t want to see the damage that he can feel as skin just starts to give way beneath the sharp edge of his nail. He’d had a talk with Magnus-- ages ago now, it seems. He’d promised not to do it again, not to hurt himself because the pain in his heart was too much to handle.

But Magnus isn’t here to stop him and Alec’s never been good at saving himself.

Distantly he thinks that he deserves it. He deserves to hurt for hurting Magnus, for putting the love of his goddamn life in the infirmary _in critical condition_.

It’s one small, devastatingly paltry drop in the bucket. Distantly, Alec thinks that he’d bleed himself dry without a second thought if it would bring Magnus back to him.

He tries to take a steadying breath-- and then a second one when the first doesn’t work. He chokes back the tears that clog his throat, knowing that if he gives in now, he'll start crying-- great, wracking sobs-- and never stop. “I guess I didn’t realize, deep down, how much you were suffering.”

Alec watches Magnus, eyes roving over a face he knows as well as his own. It was his own private indulgence, studying his boyfriend over breakfast or in the deep twilight that hung over their bedroom.

Never like this, though. Never when Alec didn’t know if he’d ever be able to see those beautiful brown eyes again-- the only eyes that have ever made Alec feel alive.

His chest feels cracked open, emotions leaking out all over the goddamn place and Alec wonders how a body’s supposed to contain it all. His heart's a mess, a bloody, bruised pulp and his mind is radio static, the only clear thought the fact that this is his fault and that he needs Magnus to wake up before he breaks and can’t ever be put back together.

“Magnus, I love you. More than anyone in the world and--,” he says in a rush, desperate to make Magnus hear him.

Taking Magnus’s hand, Alec shudders at the coolness when he’s so used to Magnus’s warmth, his vitality.

“And I’m so sorry,” he finishes, empty and so damned tired.

As his voice falls away, the endless drone of the oximeter keeps time.

Time, Alec wonders, is all he can give Magnus. 

He’d give his boyfriend anything-- _everything_ \-- and Alec wishes desperately that he could trade places with him. Magnus deserves the world and it makes guilt and shame claw up his throat that he could’ve ever done something to hurt Magnus so much.

With everything that Alec is, he promises himself-- and the Angel and anyone who’s listening-- that he’ll do whatever it takes to save his boyfriend.

In the meantime, he sits and he watches as his heart crumbles to dust, second by second.

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on tumblr or twitter @carmenlire!


End file.
